Hope everyone had a happy and relaxing Thanksgiving day. I ate too much as usual, but I rode my bike hard for 45 minutes in the morning to try and counter balance all the eating I knew I would do later. I feel better for having done so. Plan to get back on the bike again today. I need to take care of myself during this time of turmoil. I can so easily fall into the old habit of being lazy, zoning out on a movie, or just plain bumming around feeling sorry for myself. I don't want to do that. So, off I am to get on the bike!

Words on my practice during this tumultuous period in my life: Actual Zazen on a cushion has been non-existent in the past month. Not feeling good about that but it is what it is. Instead I’ve tried to take those “empty” times throughout the day to just be with my breathing, listening to my unshu (the natural and refined sound of koki «expelling of breath»). It’s been comforting and helpful. Other than that, just trying to stay present to what ever my task at hand happens to be. That’s where I am today. Might not like it much, but I must accept it as where I am. To move forward, I just start where I am and go.

"I must say that although I may still be pretty emotionally unstable compared to the average person, I didn't freak out in the way that I would have imagined I would." ~ the girl in a "not so daily news" post

I see myself as "pretty emotionally unstable compared to the average person" as well. I've been a wreck since my wife has revealed that she's tried of working on our marriage and doesn't think she can ever be happy being married to me. My productivity and ability to focus has gone straight down the tubes. I have to push myself just to get some of the basic stuff done. I’m disappointed in myself that I can’t handle things better and just go on with my life.

Sorry, not a very happy-go-lucky post is it? Just sharing where I happen to be right now. hopefully I'll pull out of this funk soon!

Here is a short article on sitting Zazen that came across the wire on one of the Zen lists I belong to that was a really good "kick in the ass" for me today:

Aspects of Sitting

"I'd like to reveal the natural nature of sitting fully as it is. If I put some concept on this, and make you understand what I think is an ideal way to sit, I would be a kind of special gardener who fixes boxes and lets you go through to become square bamboo. Or I would be an automatic newspaper man who runs a newspaper - whoever comes, I would just put you in the machine and make you flat, and you would come out a squished being, or something like this!

"Too much talk about zazen, or shi-kan-taza is not so good for you. It's impossible to teach the meaning of sitting. Until you really experience and confirm it by yourself, you cannot believe it. It has tremendous depth, and year after year this gorgeous world of shi-kan- taza appears. It's up to you to cultivate it. Because you are Buddhas yourselves, you can sit. Dogen named this sitting "Great Gate of Peace and Joy". Simply, it is peaceful, eternally peaceful, pleasurable and joyful. Shi-kan-taza doesn't have the name of any religion, but it is, in its quality, a very true religious way to live."

~ Kobun Chino Roshi

My take away for today: "John, please, put down your fears, resentments and sadness surrounding the demise of your marriage and JUST SIT!"

Amy and I saw Brother Bear today. We had a real good time together. I just love laughing and goofing around with her. I was especially touched when she curled up on my lap and snugged with me for the last part of the movie. Again, one of thoes times I could just die right there. Connecting with my daughter in these difficult times seems even more important than ever. She needs to know that I love her and that Daddy and Mommy not getting along isn't her fault AT ALL! It's not like Deb and I are raising our voices and yelling at each other (thank goodness for that). It just that I'm sure Amy picks up that there is something not right between Mommy and Daddy. I think that it's so important to make Amy priority #1 right now and not withdraw from her into a fight over our own selfish wants and desires.

Spending the day with Amy today while my wife is at work. Planning a picnic at the playground and just hanging out at home and relaxing. Looking forward to some good one-on-one time with her.

Ok, not doing a very good job of letting go so far. Maybe I need to get away from this computer. I've got scattered thoughts taking up several screens full of my text editor. The name of the file today is DUMP.txt. Appropriate huh? Oh well... back to trying to get something done.

I’m trying a little different approach today. For the sake of my sanity, I’m going to try just letting go of trying to figure out what to do about my marriage situation. It’s been sapping up too much of my energy the past few days and I don’t feel I’ve gotten anywhere with it (except maybe more confusion). I’m going to try to give it a rest for a bit. Easier said than done, but that’s my intention anyway.

Ok, my friend Beth just shared this with me, it's funnier than shit!!

The End of the World

I'm not sitting. I know I should during this difficult time, but I'm not. I'm not happy with myself about it either. I should be sitting. It would help bring a modicum of clarity to a situation that has me tied up in knots and spinning around in a downward spiral. Oooooo, I feel a "pity party" coming on, I'd better get back to work before I decide to leave the office and throw myself the biggest shin-dig I can have with the 12 bucks I have in my pocket!!

Here's something I found yesterday that I like and thought I'd share with thoes of you with a similar bent:

Therapeutic Zen

Lord knows, I need all the "therapeutic" I can get these days. I'm SO confused about my life, my marriage and my practice right now. I feel like just checking out of life for a while. I won't really do it. I just feel that way. It's hard though... thanks all for your kind words over the past few days. They have helped. I'm really amazed at the kindness of complete strangers. It gives me hope for this troubled world we're living in right now. Peace and happiness to you all.

_/\_ (palms together)

I could just die right then and there when my 4 year old daughter Amy is sleeping gently in my arms. I'm so happy to have her in my life.

Positives
• My beautiful, adorable, sweet, smart four year old daughter
• Several good friends that care
• Hot mug of Hazelnut coffee
• A close knit family
• I never go hungry
• Good Health
• Snuggling with a Lhasa
• Still employed
• Decent transportation

What do you do when one person wants to continue a relationship/marriage and the other does not?

This is the big question I walked away with from our marriage counseling session this past Saturday.

It's a toughie. Especially when there's a sweet 4 year old child involved. It is also painful. Painful to be told that she didn't think she could be happy in our marriage anymore. Ouch!! I guess I'd rather know her true feelings rather than be led along and lied to. Years back my first instinct would be to say, "Man, do I need a drink!!" Today, as crazy as it sounds, I think of going for a walk in the woods or sitting on my cushion for a bit. Growth? Yeah, I guess so. Reading over what I just wrote, it sounds disgustingly Pollyanna’ish, but I'll accept it as a healthier way of dealing with adversity. I see now, that going to a chemical to temporarily alter my mood isn't the most wholesome thing I could do for my overall wellbeing. It may offer a temporary reprieve, but all the same shit will be there once the fog of the artificial high lifts. In fact I'll be faced with even more shit than I had to begin with (the guilt and shame of having lost sobriety).

So, here I am with my crappy feelings. I need to remember that they won't last. And I certainly don't want to wallow in them, there's too much good to do to waist my time like that.

Feeling kinda down right now/today. My wife just told me that she’s freaking about money so she wants to not exchange gifts for Christmas this year. This sucks. I don’t like it one bit. I like giving her gifts (even though things are still strained in the marriage). I want a healthier marriage/relationship but I feel at my wits end. I don’t know what to do. Bringing this to an end is a big decision and has implications not just for me but for our 4 year old daughter. I’m mostly concerned with how it would impact on Amy. Though, it would suck big time to not be able to see her everyday as I do now. That just brings tears to my eyes. I just don’t know sometimes... I feel so strongly about working to save the marriage, no matter what, but I’m not getting that same feeling from the other side. What to do, what to do...

I have heard it explained by some Zen teachers that "...continuity of training is more essential than the length of the time we devote for sitting Zazen. In our modern times, when everybody is so busy, many can not find half an hour for themselves. But 5-10 minutes everybody can find and those moments of silent practice can make a difference in our life."

I’ve been trying to following this guidance for months now and it is still difficult to sit zazen at least once a day. My old habit of plopping down in front of the television in the evenings is so strong that I just go on auto-pilot after dinner’s done, the kitchen’s cleaned up, the dog’s walked, the kid’s in bed. Plop. “Wheeew, I’m beat!!” I say to myself. Then before you know it it’s 10pm and I’d better get to bed cause 5am comes WAY too quickly these days.

The word “Mindful” comes to mind in this situation. I need to be more Mindful of when I feel myself going on auto-pilot with my old habits, and try to bring some different energy to the situation (to help break out of the old habit). But you know, that seems like too much work sometimes. Then again, change takes work. When will I learn to accept that?

Sorry readers, didn’t mean to seemingly drop away from posting “real about me” posts. It’s just that with the layoffs announced a few weeks back I thought it prudent to turn my attention more to my work for now. Didn’t really mean for it to totally exclude this part of my online life, but it did.

Well, I’m still employed for now (that could change at any moment though). It’s been good practice at letting go of that which I cannot control. Some days I’m good at it, others, not so good. But overall, I’m learning to be much more accepting of what is.

Here’s a piece I’d like to share that I’ve found very helpful in my practice (and in my life):

As we begin to practice mindfulness of breathing, we often see ourselves, initially, as the breather, apart and separate from the breath itself. The direction and development of the practice is eventually to bridge this separation until our attention is absorbed fully into the breath. The breath breathes itself, and we experience a place of deep calmness, concentration, and ease. When we breathe, we just breathe. As our practice develops, we learn to let go of much of the emotional and psychological baggage that surrounds so much of what we "do" in life. Essentially, we learn to let go of the "doer." It is important to be patient with this process. Mindfulness of breathing is a practice of patient intimacy, learning to come closer and closer to the simple process of just breathing.

~ Christina Feldman

I love the last sentence and the phrase “patient intimacy”. I know I can bring that quality into the other parts of my daily life.

Sharing yet another quote that I like:

"Hishiryo is cosmic consciousness and not personal consciousness. We can directly experience this during zazen. We usually thinking of our family, friends, anxieties, jobs, holidays, all the phenomena that arise from our memories and daily life. But during zazen, we concentrate on posture and breathing, our thinking calms and cools, we harmonize with the cosmic current and abandon our ego selves, permitting the subconscious to rise to the surface. Our thoughts expand and deepen, attaining universal consciousness. Through zazen we can go to the bottom of this ultimate consciousness. This is the essential art of zazen."

~ Kodo Sawaki Roshi (1880-1965)

Comments?

A Zen group in the tradition of the Soto school: The American Zen Association - New Orleans